Ah GUrL AH!!!!

2009-02-07T23:18:00.000-08:00

现在能用说的话都成了多余

我多么想跟她说，我是真的不会关心人。我不知道要怎么让另一个人感到开心，或说对的话让她不这么难过。我只是一直很担心，一直想说点什么但又不欲言又止，一直害怕会让她更难过。

知道自己零零碎碎的字句总是会让她心烦。看来她也有跟其他朋友说过我有多么不了解她的心思。说实在的，尽管已经知道自己没有本事为她解忧，但知道自己成为增添烦恼的人，真的很不好受。

不说话，我真的不知道要怎么表达。
但说话，又变得很轻浮，虚伪。

微笑是虚伪的。
说好话是虚伪的。
主动想帮助也是虚伪的。
对最好的朋友说废话也是虚伪的吗？

我只知道说废话。说没有建设性的话。
我了解她的彷徨恐慌。
却无法给予任何帮助。
连基本的说话也成了多余的虚伪。

真心的关怀，到底要怎么表现才不会虚伪？
因为我真的不懂。

2008-04-18T07:29:00.000-07:00

怎么办？

长大了，开始思考长远的东西了。

可是好像又想太多了。

已经没有以前那种冲动，没有那种昏昏沉沉的感觉；已经没有以前的懵懵懂懂，没有以前心要跳出来的感觉了。

我喜欢他的沉稳，还有那种安全的感觉。

为什么会喜欢？不知道。

总觉得和以前的不一样。

也知道肯定不会有结果。

就算想和他说话，也成为了一种无形的压力。

真的不知道他在做什么。。

哈哈哈

我自己太幼稚了

2007-08-05T06:43:00.000-07:00

心情很闷。。好像真的应该沉淀下来，开始认真思考自己生活的方向了。

yh前天跟我说了一些他的看法。老实说，我不是没有想过，只是没有认真想而已。或许我没有把它当作一回事。。只是肤浅地以为这些是技术性问题，不是自己一个人可以解决的。可是昨天，我真的领悟到：原来不只有我一个人有这样的感觉。

或许以前有xyxy，所以有了比较的空间。我渴望以前那种感觉，并且抱着对xyxy的态度来面对hc。。所以非常失望。真的，太失望了。我从来就不是exco的。。或许以前曾经会有那么一点点嫉妒他们。。可是我总是还能自然地面对他们。我有时因为他们在开exco meetings，而觉得有一点点的失落，可是总是可以开心地把他们当作世界上最好的朋友。

现在？别说朋友。。我根本不觉得我们是合作的关系；我们更多像是上司与下属的关系。
自卑？不至于。。只是，不开心。

现在要去开会，是一种折磨。或许我从一开始就不是做执委的料。我一开始就应该只是一个follower，不是一个leader。。是错误吗？

yh想回头。我呢？他有很明确的立场。。我呢？他有想要追求的目标。。我呢？

我真的太烂了。。
每次都口口声声说自己想成为医生，却什么都不做。
我到底要做什么？

已经失去了方向。
想找个人倾诉，却没有一个人能了解我的感受。。我根本不知道该怎么说才好。
说出口，听起来就是奇怪。
真的不会说。
可是好想说。。
太麻烦别人了。。何苦呢？别人也有自己懊恼的事情啊。。

算了。
咬紧牙关。。很快就过了。
只是。。没有为学会做任何事情的我，有什么意义？

2007-07-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

Im back here again.. not because of any other emotional stuff.. but simply because i wanna type stuff people wont read.. >.< in this super duper gloomy blog.. i suppose i can best describe myself with no audience..

Im now flooded with work.. many of which i deserved.. alot of which that are killing me.. i swear.. im stuffed..

my mom flared up ytd.. and i ended up crying myself to sleep.. waking up to a pair of swollen eyes i cannot bear to see.. with a mood beyond what the word "foul" can describe.. Feeling of unjust in me.. childish it may seem.. but im definitely not in the mood for anything..

And it was indeed today i realized how perfectly hypocritical i am.. how perfectly functional i can be when im rotting on the inside and hoping i can just hide in a corner and cry my eyes out.. how i can discuss a SL project that i dont care of, listen to mattquek talk crap and still nod on.. how i can listen to crap, laugh and pretend nothing happened..

It not a simply emotional matter.. its a matter of being hurt psychologically by ur mom.. my words that stab..

A living zombie? I suppose i'll never reach that state..

And no matter how much i love to hide these stuff in me, i just cant help but wish there's someone out there that can see the rotting me inside.. the me that is close to tears.. and noone understands..

Im drained.. i really am.. i need someone to lean on.. and no one can.. i need a shoulder.. someone that can understand me without me telling.. the someone that can insist until i give in to my own pride and dissolve crying.. its too much to ask of anyone..

i know it.. that's y, i dont do that anymore..

its best to keep quiet.. some things are not meant to be spoken of.. and i know it..

my heart aches.. im dying.. i desperately need to stop these tears from pouring out.. i need help..

i need to stop acting like im alright.. when im not..
i need to know how to ask for help.. its not shameful you know, asking for concern and stuff.. but its weak.. and i dont like to be weak..

im tired.. and i dont even dare to say it out loud.. cause i dont LOOK tired enough to proclaim that.. even if i do.. who'll listen?

move on.. everyone has their own troubles.. stop troubling others with your own..
that's retarded..

noone's helping.. im lost, scared, tired.. and who gives a damn? If your partner gives no shit to what you're doing.. If your friend has his own problems to worry about.. If the only one that will listen is no longer listening to you.. What the hell are you supposed to do?

The world is giving me millions of reasons to cry.. but i wont. I shant. No reason.

listening to symphony music makes me wanna cry.. somehow..

Live on.. that's all i'm asking for.

2007-06-11T01:57:00.000-07:00

昨天在飞机上，听了很多，想了很多，却还是没有变。。

今天知道yh已经知道了，怎么可能不生气？但是，霎那间，我又不生气了。因为。。我也不知道。。大概我也想让她惭愧一下，感受一下我之前的心情吧。。太残忍了。。但是，我也没办法。。她知道的都是事实，大概不能改变了。

昨天ty问我，为什么不放手，放弃算了。。
老实说，我也不知道。。
不服气自己被拒绝？
还是不甘心没有被认认真真地拒绝过？

总觉得他把我当成废人。就像我对那些人一样的心情；不理不睬，认为他们很烦，很白痴，死缠烂打。
我对他做的一切，或许都是一种累赘。。一个他看不起的东西。一些让他反感的举动。

不要脸。

真的很不要脸。
这种没有任何承诺，没有任何保证，没有任何回应的追求，何苦？
单恋，真的很累。
因为如果对方对你表示反感，拒绝你，你会心碎。
但如果他想维持这个友谊，希望你能淡化对他的感情，渐渐成为朋友，你又会为了那一丝丝的希望而不肯放弃。
如果他完全不理你。。怎么办？

我是真的还很喜欢他。
都这么久了，不喜欢，怎么可能坚持到现在？
哈哈。。
换个角度想，或许我只是不甘心罢了。不是真正地喜欢他。

我甘心做默默喜欢他的人。我并没有难过。但我并不快乐。
我不会为了他不去看其他男生。
我的生活不会因为喜欢他而受到干扰。

我到底想要达到的是什么？
我不想跟他在一起，不想成为他的正牌女友。
我不想他不理我的朋友。
我不希望他像其他人这样对我献殷勤。
我也不希望他对我太好。

我只是希望他可以认真回复我的sms。
我希望他可以在我想见他的时候出现。
我希望他的眼里有我，把我当成他的妈妈和妹妹之外第二个最重要的女生，不用第一个。
我希望他可以主动关心我一下，最起码让我知道他有把我当人看。
我希望可以自然地跟他讲话。
我希望可以看到他对我笑。
我希望能让他开心的是我，不是别人。
我希望能从他口中听到他现在的情形。
我希望可以分担他的难过，就算是有关她的，我也愿意听。

我希望可以成为他身边最最最要好的朋友。

友谊。原来到头来，我要的只是一份真心的友谊。
我不要求他对我动心，喜欢上我。
但是，把我当成真心的朋友，不可以吗？
这样，真的要求太多了吗？

以前，我就是没有要求，才会搞得一团乱。
没有一个明确的方向，会把自己弄乱的，更会让其他人不知所措。
所以我现在真的决定了。

我不要跟他在一起
我也不要不理他
我要跟他成为最好的朋友！

做朋友。。。
对。
这才是我真正要的。

他开心，我就开心。
他烦恼，我就陪他烦恼。
他有困难，我就陪他解决困难。
他想找人说话，我想成为他身边听他说话的那个人。
就这样。

我只希望，他可以用心对待我。
诚心对待一个朋友。
我就这样希望而已。 =）
应该不难吧~

真开心~ 终于想开了~ ^.^　

一开始就应该这样的。
最原始的开始就是这样，做好朋友！！
不要想太多！！！！
哈哈~~

2007-05-05T20:52:00.000-07:00

我真的变了。

再过12小时，我就会成为一个17岁的人。这16年来，我真的变了。

去读了去年生日前的blog entry, 发现当时的我，和现在的我，思想上的改变。。十万八千里。

我从来没有发现我竟然变了这么多。

我以往会感谢的人，竟然是我今天憎恨的人。

我以往根本没有想到要感谢的人，竟然成了我最在意的人之一。

我以往爱的人，今天成了我完全不认识的陌生人。

我的生活，真的变了。

我感激；因为我身边仍然还有我在意的人。
我失望；因为我曾经是这么地爱着他们，到头来却是一拍两散。
我心疼；因为我爱的人，成了人群中的另一位陌生人。
我内疚；因为我变心了。

我感慨；因为我变了。

我的生活现在，少不了一些人，更少了很多人。
Rachel消失了。
Baona变了。
Yihong成了一个我不理解的人。

或许，是我变了。
所以大家才会改变。
都成了我不认识的人了。

但我还是感谢她们。
让我认识到了真正的友谊所可以带来的快乐。

也应该是时候往前看了。
寻找新的生活。

我还是很想念以前单纯的快乐。
现在。。

算了。

祝我生日快乐。

亵渎懒

2007-04-30T06:31:00.000-07:00

用了好长的时间平复了心情才决定写这个post的。
如果真的在愤怒之下写，我一定不顾一切，把所有名字写出，坦然面对大家鄙视的反应，不管了。。
理智的我，决定还是遵守网络规矩，匿名写。。
或许，一时冲动写的东西，才是最真实的。
虚假的世界，我又能怎样？

今天发神经，决定去读其他人的blog，发现自己还是顾好自己就好了。
身边的人都变了，都不一样了。
原来不止我一个人在变。
以前的朋友，竟然化成了令我反感的人。而在那个朋友身边围绕的人。。令人唾弃。
以前熟悉的朋友，如今成了一个我完全不认识的陌生人。
以前在乎的朋友，令我害怕。
什么变得跟以前不一样了。。什么以前比较开朗。。什么emo..
其实都是自己心里作祟，
要开朗，谁都可以。
只是选择用怎样的自己表现给其他人看而已。。
不是只有你emo..
也请你不要随随便便就用这个词，真的侮辱了这个词的层次。

从来没有这么近距离遇到这种事情，
总是从第三者的角度，从别人口中听到。
听别人说的时候，总是能想到很多点子，把老师撕成碎片。。
可是轮到我的时候，怎么什么都想不到？
我好像真的很没用。
没有办法贡献太多。。
我好像真的没有什么资格待在里面。。
大家都有可以贡献的地方，我呢？
怎么我真的好像很烂啊。。

看到不想看到的事，已经习惯了。
但是，心还是隐隐作痛。
或许，我还没有真正放下。
但最起码，我没有越陷越深。

If i get too tired to make it...
Even more than i can stand...

我其实真的很累。。
真的很多东西很烦恼。。
心里明明很难受，却还是要强颜欢笑，不能让人看到我沮丧的一面。
就算让人看到了，又怎样？

我快受不了了。
我快哭了。

2006-10-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. im updating too often.. but now.. i simply have to say sth..

was just utterly humiliated just now at bg.. an article being changed completely, accompanied by the total humiliation of changing the layout 4 times while being rejected each time with LOAD of mistakes.. and i tot it was good..

-_-'''

Overwhelmed with sadness now..

And disappointed in myself..

And i now realize how utterly useless i am.. both in school, at bg, and in my social life..

THANKS man!

2006-10-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

心中仍有一丝丝的期待，期待一个不会到来的承诺，一个永远也不会实现的谎言。

考完试了，时间充裕，开始胡思乱想。偶然间，想起了一个从未离开过我思绪的人。他的出现，让我初次感受到被人忽视的滋味。对于男生，我从未这么失败过，但他，却可以让我觉得自己如此地一文不值，如此地狼狈不堪。

想起前些日子，我偶然与他擦肩而过。短暂的眼神交汇，让我清清楚楚地知道，我们的确看见了对方。然而，他冷漠的眼神让我无法提起勇气向他问好。心灵的牵动，遗憾，我却强忍着痛继续走下去。尽管我再痛，我都可以忍受。但当我发现，他用热切的语气，温柔的字眼与她发信息时，我彻底地失望。我从未对一个人类感到如此地失望过。。我明白这不是她的错，因为她并没有亲眼见证他的无情。可是他的行为让我顿时毛骨悚然。。我从始至终将他视为一个值得仰慕的人，一个值得我付出与等待的人，却因为他的‘双重个性’我不得不对自己的愚蠢感到唾弃。

一个人，竟然可以诚恳地面对着你，说出心中的感受，恳求你信任他的话，让你受到重视；同一个人，却可以连续忽视你近一个月，不闻不问，眼神交汇时还冷眼以对，视若无睹。

一个让你爱上的人同时也是伤你最深的人。

我曾经把他的存在视为一切，将他的一举一动，一言一语保存在心中的深处，换来的却是如此的对待。我该庆幸自己发现得早？还是感慨自己被他的外表蒙骗了那么久？

真应该感谢他无情的转变，让我在还没有无法自拔之前清醒，让我不再当个傻瓜。也感谢他对我的忽视，我才不会一次又一次地被他的谎言说服。

不过我想，如果他有心再对我说出同样的谎言，我依然会相信。。很白痴。

希望我们以后都不会再见。。

可是，我还是喜欢你。。

2006-10-11T03:25:00.000-07:00

surviving on memories.. this sucks..

knowing full well that u guys probably wont meet for e next ten years.. this sucks..

knowing that you probably dont exist in his world anymore.. this sucks..

having this really aching feeling in your heart all the time.. this sucks real damn bad..

watched goong for the past few days.. really envy that girl.. not cos she has a really cool boyfriend.. but cos she genuinely likes him.. and she never ever doubted that.. even when the guy didnt show a hint of interest.. at all..

she persevered.. and in the end.. the guy genuinely likes her too..

honestly.. this kinda things.. she's really likeable.. so thats pretty understood.. :P also.. there must be a tinge of liking in the first place rite? the guy cant just like her for nothing..

so it all boils down to fate..

the human cycle repeats itself once every 2500 years.. 2500 years later, i will meet the same ppl i meet now, suffer the same things i'm suffering now.. and go through everything again..

is there actually someone that i know now that i dont wanna know?

probably not..

every person i meet.. every obstacle i encounter, i learn something new.. and it brings me one step closer to being the person i will be when i die. when i die, i'll bring along with me all these wonderful, precious memories of my loved ones.. i may not remember their names.. i may not even remember their faces.. i may not remember anything 2500 years from now..

but i will remember this present moment while i'm at it..

my memory's been real bad since dunno when.. maybe not till the extent whereby i forget everything.. i'll have vague impressions.. so vague it pisses the other person off to think that i've forgotten..

i never promise anyone i'll remember them forever.. because i know i'll forget them.. somehow..

if there's no eternity.. why was this word invented in the first place?

there is no one thing that will exist forever.. and for that.. i'm thankful..

i'm thankful for all i have now.. my family, my friends, my everything..

i'm thankful for being able to feel whatever i'm feeling now.. even though it may be torturing me like hell.. even though it may not be the best feeling on earth.. even though it brings tears to my eyes.. i'm thankful for it..

i now know a little bit more about myself..

喜欢一个人，附带条件就是：你要愿意为他承受痛苦，寂寞。特别当你是单方面地喜欢，人家却永远不领情的时候，该是时候学会忍耐。

喜欢一个人，原来是这样的。或许这只是另一个幻觉，另一个错误，但我想，这是值得的。就算他完全没把我当一回事，没有将我放在心上；就算他的生活里没有我，我们之间的回忆也只是一段不值得记得的事情。。我还是喜欢他。

我喜欢你。

2006-08-15T06:52:00.000-07:00

WHAT THE FUCK IS HER PROB?!??!?!
no.. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROB????

whew...

takes a bloody lot of patience (which i bloody do not have) to talk to yh.. it's like talking to a wall and trying to convince the wall that there's a crack in it's brain.. when it is persistantly refusing to believe it.. wrong.. she KNOWS there's a bloody crack but she just does not want to tell me HOW the FUCK she got the damn crack..

AND I KNOW THE BLOODY DAMN REAASON!!!!

FUCK~

can she wc please get the hell out of my life?????

its fuckin' difficult to forget them when one of them is persistantly swinging arnd in frnt of me and the other is constantly reminding me of his presence..

she's fuckin' jealous of me.. and im fuckin' jealous of her..

what the fuck is the problem with the world???!!!

im really tired of this thing.. really..

can she stop it? if there's anything just tell me strt in the face lahz~!~! need to keep it all bottled up then fuckin' piss the world?!?!?

Can the two of them please stop doing this to me??

they can go talk wadeva cock they want to each other, for all i care.. i dont care.. i DO NOT GIVE A DAMN!!! he can go ask her out and she can just bloody accept the fuckin' invitation~~ DO I CARE? NO I DO NOT CARE!!!

I DO NOT GIVE A FUCKIN DAMN....

SHIT..

Just feel like bloody cursing every cell on the planet.. i dont care.. but why do i still feel like crying?? har? im such a fuckin sissy.. wimp..

Do they actually know what they are doing to me??

Can they just get together and leave me alone?

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE~!!!!!

i dont care anymore..

2006-07-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

这种事情，不说出来，心里很难受。

我的生活真的很怪了。特别是最近，当他出现之后。我突然又忘记了自己的立场。

本来一开始很简单。我是旁观者，看着他和她之间有暧昧，自己就多事地插手，把他们两个人撮合在一起。结果。。结果却闹成现在这个局面。。真搞不清楚自己在想什么。。

我和他成了好朋友。我们交心地谈话。我发现，他和我一样，都是多变的人，都害怕伤害人。可能因为这样，他一直犹豫，最起码，我是这样想的。可是后来，我察觉到了他对我也有感觉。。事情开始复杂了。毕竟，我和她是好朋友。基于一切，我都不可能会喜欢上他的。错。。是不管喜不喜欢都不会接受他，因为我知道，她爱他。

她说“尤其是在你面前. 真的搞不清楚自己为什么会那样. 我不知道什么是真, 什么是假, 也不敢肯定跟某人倾诉的话会不会被传来传去, 被说到听起来很难听. 也不清楚该相信谁, 听谁的话...简直变得完全没有主见, 只能跟感觉走. 我只知道自己太在乎你了, 在乎到了一种不知所措的地步. 我不知道自己为什么会这么在乎, 也不懂这种在乎值不值得. 有的时候真的很想 heck care 一切 and be normal. 因为反正最终是会失去的. 非常非常想跟你做无所不谈的朋友, 但是又CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO DO IT. SOMEHOW 也不想走得太近, 因为总有一天会结束. 也不知道你到底怎么想, 所以整天除了猜, 还是在猜. 我也知道这种极烂的态度影响了你们, 我不.希.望.自己影响到你们. 这对你们不.公.平. 我想现在已经搞到你也很烦的地步了.对.不.起. ”

像她这样的痴情，我能怎样？他更是一个我没有办法参透的人。他根本搞不清楚自己在想什么，搞不清楚自己喜欢的是谁。反正不做选择是最好的，不是吗？做朋友是最最最好的选择了。那我心里到底在挣扎什么？！？！白痴。

我想。我可以这样继续下去的。真的。

2006-05-17T03:54:00.000-07:00

今天，我很痛快地飙舞。很爽。我想，我能理解为什么有些人一跳就停不下来。跳舞的时候，真的是什么都不用想，尽情地舞动着身体的每个部分，忘情地跳着。。感受到音乐在耳边的震动，身体不由自主地就动了起来。原来流汗的感觉可以是这么地爽。我喜欢跳舞了。真的。就算看起来多笨，我还是喜欢。因为我在跳舞的时候会领悟到很多我平时不可能领悟的事情。

我现在处于最佳状态。我的心是平静的。真的。我什么都不在乎了。成绩也好，人际关系也好。我都不管了。现在的我，只希望可以快快乐乐地活下去。我喜欢现在的我。因为我终于可以诚实地面对我自己了。我今天对这镜子的我说：你要开心。你现在活着的目的就是让身边的所有人都得到快乐。这样的话，你的任务就达成了。

有了目标，生活果然更有意义了。

现在的我，只想快乐。因为只有当我快乐的时候，才可以让其他人感受到快乐。我要让自己真心地快乐起来。我的内心是快乐的！:D

这样的我。。希望是真正的我~ 这样，大家都可以得到快乐！

可是。其实我还蛮累的。不懂为什么。我的生活好好的。可能作业多了些，但是还好。可是我的心中总有那么一丝丝的累。我。。真的不知道我自己是谁了。。

2006-05-13T06:18:00.000-07:00

我真的是一个逃兵。一个不折不扣的大逃兵。一个世界上最虚伪的人。一个永远带着面具做人的人。我觉得自己太太太恶心了。世界上就是由我这种败类才会变得这么复杂难堪。我快受不了我自己了。真的。受不了了。

也许我心中非常明白，但是我就是说不出口。我真得很讨厌我自己。我凭什么这样去伤害一个人？我到底凭什么？我这种人渣根本就不配活在这世上。挂上‘人类’这个称呼真的有损失上所有的人类。我。。。

我心中有一千个一万个问号。可是没有人可以理解我现在的感受。

当有一个人对你是无微不至地好的时候，你应该是快乐的，不是吗？

但是我。。快乐吗？

每当我想到自己是多么地无法给予他回报时，我心中是多么地无奈。我是如此的无能为力。我能为他做什么？我没有办法全心全意地去爱他，却一直自私地接受他对我的爱。这样对他来说是多么地不公平阿！而我自己是多么地残忍！

我不配拥有他。他值得比我更好的人。

2006-05-05T05:11:00.000-07:00

我又回来了。

今天的我，没事做，所以又开始想事情了。想了些很笨很笨的事。

我和wl交往了。很莫名其妙。。很奇怪。

说实在的。我很不安。

我曾和有些人说过。我这个人像个小孩子。而wl对我来说只是一个新玩具。可能这样说很奇怪，但是，是这样的。

我觉得，我好像太冲动了。

当一个小孩找到了新玩具，自然而然地很感兴趣。一时冲动之下，就买回家玩。开始的几天，因为新鲜，所以爱不释手，每天从抽屉里拿出来玩，一刻也放不下，好像一辈子都只想玩这个玩具了。但是，过几天，慢慢地。。就开始越来越少玩，越来越常将它遗忘在抽屉里。

爱情唯一和这个不同的是。。那个玩具有感情，也付出了真情。。

所以，不是说想遗忘，想替换就可以的。没有这么容易。

我甘愿他厌倦了我的存在，由他来甩我。那我可能还不会这么内疚。

或许。。我们真的应该考虑考虑。

我还没有做好心理准备。

现在的我，好像被束缚了。他没有勉强我什么，但当我觉得我没有办法给他100%时，我会内疚。而且更离谱的是。。我对他的感觉和对其他男性友人的感觉是一模一样的。糟糕吧~

真是的。。

懊恼~~

2006-04-07T05:33:00.000-07:00

心情很糟糕。。又有些是不能公开说。。所以我选择回到这个猪窝里。。想找到那一丝的安慰。

有时候，我不知道我自己在想什么。。真的很笨。

第一次见到他，是去年的6月份。那时，我根本不认识他，他更不知道我这个无名小卒是哪根葱哪根蒜。。

那时候，我根本不在乎他，更觉得他的举止很恶心。。很女性化。。

但是与此同时，我很欣赏他。欣赏他的自信，和才华。

但是之后，我也没有多想，只是偶然之间发现了他的blog,所以就渐渐地迷上等待他update的时光。每次看到他的文章，我就很开心，因为总觉得，我正在看着他的字，是一个属于他的东西。

慢慢的，我就养成了习惯，每次上网都会去查看他的blog。。够笨吧。。

奇妙的是，他竟然是中文学会的！我很开心，但是直到最近，我才跟他见了面。

慢慢的，他成了我的导演。

我以为会很开心地看着他做事。。

但是却比以前没有认识他的时候更难受。

每天看到他和她聊天，我就。。很难受。真的很痛苦。但是我还是继续带着面具，开开心心地和他们打打闹闹。。因为只有这样，我才能将自己留在他的视线范围内。。悲哀吧。。

很悲哀。。

恐怖的是。。我竟然跟着大家一起将他们凑在一起。。不可以表露出一丝丝的不开心。。

因为他们两个都是我不想伤害的人。

我想保护他们，所以我要继续控制我自己。。

只是。。

今天看到他们‘我们’来‘我们’去的。。好像已经是一体了。。

他们回家前还很客气地过来打招呼。。哇靠~~

超级想杀人。

我很怕我会崩溃。。因为以后将会是一星期排练三次。。一次又一次的折磨。。我会疯掉的。。

但是。。我必须继续忍耐着。。

没有选择。。

这或许就是吃醋的滋味吧~

2006-03-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

2005-08-26T01:31:00.000-07:00

Sobz.... i'm really upset...

Two people consecutively said my blog URL sux...

How?

My world came crashing down man..

BUt i made a world changing decision..

I'm changing my blog url...

Not because im afraid of prying eyes (knowing look at R*****)

Not because I'm sick and tired of blogging (come on)

But because I am no longer a radish...

Lousy reason...

But good enough..

Oh, b4 I forget and miss the main point, my new blog url is...

It's is such a nice name

Concise

Straight to the point

See then know it's mine le

No... it's not lijun.blogspot...

Coz apparently there's someone out there that has my name too..

It's...

Drums roll please...

*trtrtrt* (i tink it's not like this but...)

http://leekoon.blogspot.com

See how much effort I took to think of this wonderful url?

DOn't see?

Nvm... I nvr expected you to see anywayz... (pointed look at R**S*****)

Aniwaez... just thought I'll let you ppl know

And keep this blog here aniwaez...

Just in case some lost sheep decided to visit me 20 mths later and...

Gets a shock of their life...

DOn't want the mortality rate to rise any higher so...

Decided to do good deeds (do 10 good deeds and i can be ru lai already... lolx)

Aniwaez, read the other blog for the real entry... this is just crap...

TarTar (Adios)

2005-08-24T02:26:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. realize no one coming to read... and im really blogging abit too frequently la... haiz...

Just got our exam schedule today. Though i knew the schedule b4 that le but.. still quite depressing to receive it like this la. And this actually marks the start of mugging. *historical moment wor*

Hah... pon third lang today... coz sensei said she was only going to do sakubun today. honestly.. i dont care le. I like jap lessons but the lessons getting quite boring wor... hmm.. but wont quit la (mom, stop worrying...) sure will keng until i bueh sai (that is when I join NYMPH but.. irrelevant...) No la. Sure will carry on one so for those really concerned, i'll jia you :) [but dun be too surprised if my nxt blog tells u i quitted... i'm liddat one...]

Just realized i totally lost contact with tingkai.. sent him an sms last night (not very late what... 9 o clock leh) and din get a reply... sure we din chat for like one month le (got that long ah) but dun dao me what... *sobs* Nvm... i'm just crapping (again)

Tchrs' day coming. Remind every sec sch student that is reading my blog now, must go back to alma mata to visit hor. Even if you really die die dun want, still must go back and say hi. And this means that even if the school gives you the worst creeps, you still have to pop in, say happy tchrs' day, and quickly dash out. THAT, was the minimum... okie? (just take it that you go back and gathering with old clsmates la.. you'll feel much beta)

Din go back last year and feeling really guilty now... hah... must prepare presents anot har? NOt sure lehz.. Let's hold a discussion forum on this. Please leave a tag to share your views. All views will be deeply appreciated (and will not be laughed at). *i really despo for tags hor... hmm..*

Aniwaez, it's just part of moral education (push up specs and glares) coz they did (no matter how little) taught you sth... just go and see them wont die one right? 1 hour is all it takes (that's alot... how about 30 min?) and then after that you can go home and mug till you die.. dun care 'bout you after that le.

Calling all rulang kids, who's going back ah? I prob going back with my sis or maybe some other peeps but... those want to come with me just leave me a tag (giggles) and we can arrange a time. I'm most prob going back on 31st august afternoon. (hopefully there's no remedial... last year i couldnt go back coz got remedial.. )

Oh.. and those nygh ppl reading this, go check the la module with eoy revision thingy one. There got quite some stuff to practise for la eoy. Go check ah... i too lazy to wait le.

Hm... what else... oh, the zhang liang liang actually held a conversation with me today (though it's quite lame and short...) but it's an improvement la. Guess i'll be able to hold a decent conv with him in a few days time (provided he cooperates but..) Aniwaez, dat Zhou Bin getting abit zi bi... denyse not taking good care of him hor... lolx...

That Mr CHiam actually is lamer that I thought. Haiz... nvm... year's ending and hopefully i won't get him as a tchr nxt year. Hmm.. but possibility very low leh.. nvm... THe thing about him is that he treats me like an idiot.. he talks to me like i'm some low iq idiot that is just learning abc... do you believe it? he actually goes through 3 examples for 1 pathetic concept. Sure it's clear and everything but... should go a little faster... we are really behind time... and i dun have the guts to talk to him lor. *come on.. he looks like he just came out of a horror flick..* I actually wanted to ask him about the topics tested for eoy but... any kind soul that will ask for me? Haiz...

Hmm.. THings to do today: Finish math ws, physics assignment 2,3,5... jap sakubun...hmm... nth much le.. but must draw up timetable to study le (which i wont follow aniwaez)

Really scared for eoy le... haiz... if i dun do well ah, i might as well just ram my head against the wall and hope to die... *not that serious la.. lolx*

Just some tips on how to relax.. before exam or whatsoever... just breath in deeply, clench your fist along, hold it there for 5 seconds, and release... trust me... it helps (i do it all the time... esp when ruoshuang is irritating me... lolx) If you too stress while studying, give the book and yourself a break (dun smash the book on the floor.. it wont help... you'll just get a scolding from your mum). YOu can try shouting into your pillow but... i dont recommend it if you cannot hold your breath too long. I only do it when im really pissed...

Oh.. and for those that think im an ultimate mugger for starting so early, you are wrong. This is not 'ultimate mugger' coz it is compulsory... you dont start now then start when? Start one day b4 exam ah? That's really... ermz... Start now and relax later.. key to success (copyrighted hor)

OH yar, another tip. Dont study for long hours. Study a while, rest a bit (not too long too.. you'll cool down too much) If you can, set a subject for the day and work on it. Dont try to work on all 6 (or 7 or more) subjects at one go.. you'll die.

And sleep early... it helps. No panda can study well... don't believe? Ask the zookeepers...

Okie.. i'm starting to preach. *Ms ong is right... girls that study too much age faster... but she's wrong too... im aging already but i don't study.. hmm... paradox!* THe comments are purely personal and not to be taken seriously (as in like dun treat it like the bible and memorize it word for word la) FOllow at own risk. Consult the person that wrote it first to ensure that mental health is in good condition to carry on with comments. :P

I'm going bonkers... just trying to type out all my thoughts so i wont forget anything... lolx..

Okay.. i think i've got everything down.. this is getting abit too long...

Good luck and jiayou for your mugging(s)

TarTar

2005-08-22T05:38:00.000-07:00

The last exam of the term just ended. HOnestly, there's nothing much to rejoice. In fact... I'm actually already in holiday mood... hmm... *tsk tsk*

Just finished my jap ca4, not sure i can get high marks but im quite sure i'll pass.. hopefully...

Listening to "accidentally in love" by counting crows that is in the OST of Shrek 2. NIce song...

NOthing much to say actually, just to appeal to those reading to gimme some idea of what is being tested in eoy.. not really sure what is tested and feeling realy insecure now...

Oh... n go check your ivle email... u shud find a LA time management guidelines in there... WHat are you still waiting for? Har? Expecting sth funny coming up? Dream on.. I'm nvr a joker kayz.. GO! download the damn file and i'll wait for you, k?

GOt the files yet? OKie.

Actually, i think the files quite extra... but it gives me reassurance on what's coming out. Based on that two documents, i deduce (arhem) that there will only be a comprehension for paper 2. Hey! What? what's with the rotten vege nowadays ah... hmmph... Correct what! Har? Duh statement? FIne.... I know! Okay! Enough of the veges!

The compre on the women beauty thingy... i dunno what talk it lehz.... sure i understand after going through but trust me.. if i got it for exam, i'm so flunking it...

Right guys. EOY coming up in 5 weeks time.. that means 35 days ... and dunno how many hours... jia you le.

I go study le..

TarTar

2005-08-21T02:35:00.000-07:00

Hahaz.. I know what you guys must be thinking now... "what the hell.. change template two days ago... now change again???"

Okay... i know. I'm boh liao but... this template realli beri nice rite? (okay... this thing really differs from ppl to ppl budden to me, it's nice.. i dun care what you think... hmph :P)

Aniwaez, decided to change the other template down and this up coz 1) that one no archive and honestly.. it's not that nice 2) just watched ge dou tian wang and was inspired.

Ge Dou Tian Wang Rox!!! THose that agree please leave a tag ;) was so inspired that i went hunting for one that has sth to do with ge dou... lolx. There's another one that is more related to ge dou tian wang budden the feeling abit... the words like abit cannot see lorhz.. so to prevent more ppl frm getting myopia after reading my blog, i decided on this one (see, i so nice!)

Aniwaez, i've got another good news to announce: i just successfullly finished one medium set in spider sollitaire. For a person with IQ 0, this is such a feat la! I'm like... so touched at my own persistance... *wipes tears* I want to thank my mom (for footing the electricity bills), my dad..... OKay! Enough! I know... i'm just being lame... But just to prove that this is not a fluke, let's try again.

-=-=-=-=-=- Please wait while glij goes and tries her spider sollitaire -=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-7 hours later...-=-=-=-=-=-=-

FInally finished another set.... (imagine the shock and horror on my mother's face) I'm becoming so good at this. :P

Okay... just a little joke for myself. I know.. 7hours is obviously exaggerating (for those that really believe i took 7 hours just to play some stupid game, your iq must be negative...)

Lame joke's over.. that was like the best joke i've made! lolx... har? not funny? What do you mean not funny? Hmph. I don't care! Hmph.. ... ... really? It's not funny ah... okay lorhz... haiz...

RIght.. i'm really losing it. FOr those that have no idea what is going on, don't worry, you are not the only one. I have no idea what i'm writing too... ;P

Aniwaez, just here to promote ge dou tian wang, starring Sun Xie Zhi as Duan Yu Qiao, Wang Ren Fu as Wei Ying Qi, Sweety as two extras that you dunnit to know and many others... mostly extras... (XieZhi is the only one you should care about, kayz.)

RIght. Look out for pix appearing on the right column sometime within the month (no promise...) Yar.. THAT right column. FOund it? OKay. GOod... (took you quite long horz...)

Lame...

TarTar

2005-08-19T20:19:00.001-07:00

haha. just changed the template... and realized that there is no archives... must reflect to the maker le... ask her to add for muah...

aniwaez. Just found this cool skin at www.blogskins.com (must put in if not later they kena parang me how?) Aniwaez...

Ms Ong's inspirational talk on horoscopes made me search the whole net for horoscope and their characteristics. Now now... dun be too anxious and start scrolling down, hoping i'll give you the sites and infos... no way man... (not coz i dun wan to ... coz i havent found anything good yet *sobs*) Keep trying guys. Though (quoting ms ong) the whole web is full of quacks, there's bound to be some diamond in the cow dung (is that how i say it?) Nvm... just keep trying. I'm going to try out in the library if i have the time later. :P

My cough and cold is getting from bad to worse. After the cross country yesterday, i could hardly breathe and today, my chest feels even more constricted. Seems like a trip to the doctor's is inevitable but i'll make it my last resort ( means i'll only go when i start foaming at the mouth). Meanwhile, i think i'll survive with coughing my lungs out...

The X-country sux... though i finished the race (not race... stroll) budden felt like vomitting the minute I stopped. (come on! I bia from the downslope there kayz... which is like 400m from ending pnt (according to the tchrs la) ) THe milo I drank pretty much blocked the vomit from spewing out so.. haha. Congrats to Tiffany for getting 7th.. that's really very good lahz (though there was no number given but i'm so sure i got after 200 :P)

Plus, the cute Zhou Bin (that suggested going for X-country) did not run at all. Saw him and Kailing standing by the side near the finishing line, laughing at us.. The antisocial ran though... Saw him double over when i crossed the finishing line. (he really got stamina lehz.. run quite fast) Seems like we mustn't trust cute guys... must learn to trust antisocials. (P.S. That antisocial is also a taurus! same here :) Actually antisocial quite cute one but... he's just intimidated by bowei... )

I realize teachers of the chinese dept are all really psychopatics... first the cme tchr cant find the portfolio (which i handed in of course) and asks me to do reflection for 5 articles she chose.. come on la! She can just gimme any mark lorh, i dun care le. Then Zheng Lao Shi came to me and told me I din hand in my zuo wen 3. WTF!!! Those ppl who dare to say i din hand in my zuo wen in class is like telling me i din hand in the test papers lah! COme on! NO one in their right mind would actually say that. I NEVER and i mean N-E-V-E-R bring a zuowen home to write. F**K... always lose my paper then come and talk shit... really feel like killing them lahz.

*breathes in deeply* Let's not lose our minds over crazy teachers that are suffering from hormonal disorders. Honestly, a good suggestion in handling such time bombs are to ignore them. In time to come (when the hormones adjust themselves), they will find the bloody papers. *smiles sweetly* See, i am such a refined young lady. *rolls eyes*

Right. Enough of venting my frustration. (realize my entries always very long horz... hmm..)

TarTar

2005-08-18T03:21:00.000-07:00

*ah choo* sniffles... its freezing cold down here... in singapore... believe it anot... and i do NOT have the air con on...

The trip to wan qing yuan apparently brought disastrous results that are far-fetched and negative... i'm down with a ruddy cold coz they made us walk a 100m distance into the building without shelter. Sure im not that weak but I suppose the 18 degrees aircon after that did have some contribution to my present state.

Nevertheless... Im not going to the doctor coz they will probably say the same thing: "eat the medicine, sleep and drink more water" I'm already fully qualified to say the same stuff le... im just going to camp at home, cover up in thick blanket, drink ice herbal tea (loads of ice please) and pray for rain tomorrow. (then no need go cross country le :P)

I'm totally pissed now. The bloody Spider Sollitaire is not going anywhere. I cant finish the medium set and im so sad... i just cant finish the thing la... Nvm. This is only the 107th try... i'll try again later. (imagine my mum sulking over the bills le)

Brr... I'm so cold...

Aniwaez, chem lesson today was boring but easy to understand. At least this tchr teaches slowly and uses ppt. (Mrs yeo ermz... likes verbal communication -_-''') But he should still speak a little louder. I'm still straining to hear his micky mouse voice.

TOday we finished presenting all our sias le. Though that's nothing to celebrate la but... at least it's over. Just have to work harder next year... we slacked too much for sias this year le. Wanted Xiaowen to be in muah group (she quite pro in project work) budden she got group le so... haha. Must put on classified :Those that want a hardworking, dilligent, talkative (but suffering from sore throat now), cute and sweet girl in their group, please call 62353535 (lolx. dun really call hor. THis is the PizzaHut one. If you really want then leave a tag? :P)

Well, generally, the day was so-so la. Just that the shi gao yu wo 'assignment' abit extra. Trust me kids, we won't get to ask the questions one. I know. We'll probably ask two questions and she'll take an hour to finish answering them. I suggest a method of asking qns: give your opinion first then ask. haha. like those HCI guys. Make it look more pro and... lengthy. Then the speaker will beg you to sit down. :P

Gtg for dinner liaoz. Have a great cross-country tomorrow.

TarTar

2005-08-16T04:46:00.001-07:00

THe minute he turned the corner and took the first step into the class, i had a bad premonition... a chill ran down my spine as i looked up. Everyone in class had the same reaction. Wide eyed. Jaw drops. Question marks form over our heads. Realization sets in. Giggles.

We greeted him, sat down, still in partial shock. Who was this ET standing in front of us? Wearing a white shirt and black pants that stretch to his waist, thick spectacles, back skull protruding... THis cannot be the legendary Lilo and Stitch right? No... please say no...

"Good afternoon class. I am Mr Chiam, your new chemistry teacher. Let's start off by introducing my class rules."

Hello? ET! It's already August! No earthling teacher would introduce class rules in AUGUST!

"I heard that you are a very good class. Please try to keep your image"

Giggles. Giggles. Question: INtroduce yourself!

"Who? Me? You all should introduce yourselves! I would like to know all of you better."

Exchanging name tags. Giggles. Rosemary. Mary. Victoria. Laughs.

"I expect better behaviour from you all. All the other teachers have a good impression of all of you"

Puh-lese. YOu apparently heard it from female teachers. We are ANTI-men. Dun believe? Ask Tok.

Question: What's your english name?

"Oh. I dont' think I should tell you all. I don't want you to call me by my christian name.. we should maintain a teacher - student distance"

bleah...

Honestly, the minute i heard his micky mouse voice, i would give anything to have mrs yeo back. I'm so sorry mrs yeo... for not appreciating you...*sobs* Please come back. YOu can take your air-fare from our class fund. EVERYONE will be really glad...

HOw can the school send an extra-terrestrial creature into our class.... a ET that apparently got his insides and outsides wrong... a man on the outside and a woman on the inside... And he looks like a vietnamese refugee... (no offence)

It's a rude shock to us, really. Mr Chiam, if you are reading this (which is suppose not), PUH-LESE change your outlook... though a teacher does not have to be too metrosexual, he ought to have a PLEASANT OUTLOOK and not an ET look. Who knows, the next thing we find out, he has green blood...

Haiz... it's just our luck we got some creature from venus to teach us. Pray pray he is a good teacher, if not, i'll just kick him in the groin to check for his gender. Trust muah. (Okay... u know i say say only har...)

Watever. We went to NEWater plant today. Quite boring + there was this lame uncle (dunno what name la) that kept saying lame jokes... seriously, it was quite stupid... "You all know what is a tennis ball right?" DUh!!! And I thought RUoshuang was lame... this... is incomparable.. (no offence ;P )

The Wenzhou kids are still anti-social. Zhang LiangLiang even called Bowei wu liao... wth... not that i think otherwise but he ought to have been a bit more indirect right. haiz... kids nowadays...

RIght. Math test finished. Totally pissed and want to kill Miss Yeo. She said it was an okay paper. I would rate it a horribly squiggly paper... no time to do them at all. By the time i was at qn8, there was only 8 min left. AND i have to draw a graph AND answer questions. SO I just sketched one ultra ugly one and scribbled in k=1 (anihow write one.. no working no nothing) Sure die one. Gave up and started checking the previous questions. ONly made it to qn 2 and then time up. Haiz... my hands were practically trembling... and freezing cold. *imagine arctic* I only have confidence for prove question.. the rest all tikam one... dun care le...

Resolutions for today:
- make fwenz with that liangliang anti-social guy (before Ruoshuang eats him up)
- Study for EOY... before it's too late again
- Irritated Chiam till he resigns... unless he proves to be a good teacher AND raises his voice by 200 decibels.
- Call tok and get my CME portfolio back (HOnestly.. its time he finish the bedtime story le ba... I'm getting into hot soup coz of his weird liking for my book)

P.S. Reminder to all going to Ningbo, got meeting next monday at conference room B, 2nd recess... ONLY ningbo I think. Those 2 weeks one dunnit... I THINK...
Pass the msg kayz...

TarTar

2005-08-15T05:01:00.000-07:00

Just came up for a peek (boo!) and amuse myself a little. Math test tomorrow and theoretically, i should be studying but... I suppose a little break does no harm (oh no.. it's 8.02 already! I must speed this up a little... sorry for any typos).

ANiwaez, just found tania's blog (I really dunno how to spell her name..) and realized that my pic with her is... yucks. I m so NOT photogenic... *sobs* Aniwaez, somehow or another, i found the class blog. I suppose im really not well informed for its been around for months le but.. aniwaez, for some blur blur ppl like me, our class blog's url is: http://three-o-seven.blogspot.com/ Go and check it out! I wanted to add an entry but afraid later a bit extra so didn't lorh. Still feels better to blog at my own blog... less stress... *haha*

ANiwaez, good luck for math test everyone! Stay cool and Keep practicing (im not exactly practicing what im preaching but...)

Gotta go study le *push up specs*

TarTar

2005-08-14T05:12:00.000-07:00

May everyone just stand and give a standing ovation to nanyang!!!

Woohoo! The storytelling competition just ended with a BANG yesterday. WE GOT CHAMPION!!! COuld still feel the aftermath of the earthquake last night :D ultimate shiokness. Spended the afternoon today rewarding myself watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. HOnestly, it is not really a wise decision for... heh heh... we have a math test next week lahz. THe wise me would have chosen to stay home and study but... I JUST LOST IT, so guys, let's PARTY!!!

Charlie n choc factory (ccf) ROX like hell lah! Willy wonka is definitely gay. I am SO sure. And that grandpa jo ought to go take dancing lessons. Sure they were trying to convey the message of happiness but... it's a little weird to see a 90+++ old man dancing a jig out of no where...

ANd the oompa loopas... (check spelling) they are the same person, in case u aint realized yet. It's the same goofy person doing the whole show la! Wah Biang.. i only realized it when mike teevee was shot into the tv.. so slow rite? I know. My sis was like "What the hell.. i knew that at the chocolate waterfall!!!"

This show is really great! It's a great way to celebrate, to laugh till you cry at a fantastic movie. For thsoe hu havent caught it, it's time you do so! NOW!!! (call golden village at 6XXXXXXX) haha... I'm going mad.

Just a side note. For those that went to BSP camp, ANd the competition yesterday (meaning ruoshuang, rachel and co.) sure u guys have seen that dianjun guy. Do you know, he's the lianhe zaobao correspondent la! I'm so shocked! AND he didnt recognize me (sobs) I think I'm falling in love... lolx!!! (I said i'm going crazy rite?) SHANG DIANJUN ROX (I know he wun read this... that explains my eccentric behaviour huh?) He's so shuai la. So leadership... (goofy face) Went to search for his blog and guess what, i FOUND IT!!! lolx. (for those interested, it's dianjun.blogspot.com... I know... lame URL...)

ANd in addition! (WHat's next, crazy gurl) I created ANOTHER blog (after reading shangdianjun's blog and getting inspiration). It's under renovation and im sure i did it in a moment's folly... lolx. Seriously considering deleting it but... we shall see.. :D FOr those who want the url, hmm... contact me personally and i'll consider giving it to you. :P

*breathes* a side note: I still have not been able to contact tok.... the bloody bast*rd took my bloody portfolio and went into hiding... I seriously do not think that my portfolio is so interesting that it can be a bedtime story... HONESTLY! Tok Kian HOng, if you are reading my blog now, give me back my portfolio or im going to MOE to get you! I don't care where the hell you are now, come down to NYGH and pass the blooding book to yang lao shi or i'll haunt you in a way that makes THe Ring look like a comedy.. I mean it.

Okay. Enough of threats and craps (hey, rhymes!) I seriously dont think I can survive the year anymore. I've lost all meaning life now that the comp is over and that i most probably wont be participating in it next year... WHere art thou romeo... (someone care to explain that to me?) and that yang lao shi will most probably kill me on monday for not handing the portfolio in (its not my fault... sobs...) and that im going mad (that's my faul huh?)

OKay. ENough. THe sodding idiot is now going to go read.. bedtime stories (Charlie and Chocolate factory book version) before going to bed ( i noe its 8.30 but im tired... *pouts*)

RIght...

TarTar

2005-08-08T22:24:00.000-07:00

I decided to update my blog in view of national day. For those people who are non-Singaporean, i'm proud to inform that it's Singapore's National Day today. HOnestly, it's the same routine every year. Everyone starts taking out their dust coated flag, dusts it a bit, then sun it out so that everybody thinks u are patriotic. (Not sure about the law but i think u'll be blacklisted if u dun hang the flag.. hmm..)

Aniwaez, Happy Bdae SIngapore. 40 years old le, dun exercise too much and prepare for retirement wor. lolx. It's ironic, really, that on ur bdae, someone lets off firework ON you. lolx. Imagine that happening to me. I'll probably erupt a volcano or something. Singapore probably wants a quiet birthday for a change.

Gonna go catch Charlie and Chocolate factory later on, if my mum doesnt change her decision. Pak decides not to come due to a physics test on friday but honestly, i dun think that's the case. (winks)

Tanier just went back to hongkong. Not Just lah, but recently left onli. Sure will miss that cheerful gurl (cant forget her help during sabbaticals! :P) Left us contacts but i din leave mine (ANITISOCIAL!!!) TOok a picture with her after PE lesson (stinky) and look totally horrible (she still looks like a model though). Wadeva, im not the star wad. lolx.

THe week sux. I mean, who would appreciate a week with 5 tests? I noe, i noe, stop grumbling rite? I KNOW. but cant help just mentioning this horrible bit in my horrible life.

My world came crashing down last friday. Got back my chinese paper and *gasps*, 56/100. THat's a record. I only got 8/25 for summary.. what the hell lah. It's a disaster. I did a stupid thing like in jap soap operas. I made a resolution. Study harder lah! but here i am, still blogging away (doing not urgent and not important stuff). But I gotta take a break before I sprint rite? Thank my lucky stars (which is quite little) that this term's results only take 10% of overall EOY results. Hallejulah (I really dunno if this is the correct spelling leh)

Really seriously considering tution now. Haha.

Don't really feel like stopping now. Blogging takes my mind off stuff that I dun wanna think about. (like the bloody results). It just feels good to go on typing and typing and typing. Lolx.

Oh yar. Kind Bowei just lent me her Da Vinci Code. I'm so grateful. Just finished it last night and found that SIlas utterly disgusting. I dun really think it is a good idea to drive nails into my body like that. Eww..

But that book is seriously funny. I mean, it's like contradicting everything we know that I google searched Leonardo Da VInci and the pictures mentioned. To my utter horror, Dan Brown was right! Look carefully and read the book again. It's really true.

Whatever. Just trying to keep the conversation going. Nvm.

A miracle happened! Scroll up if u dont remember. I said i was going to watch charlie and chocolate factory rite? Believe it or not. My mum JUST changed her mind and postponed it to Sunday. See! I told you im right! I could easily be a fortune teller man! Haiz... I was so looking forward to that but to those who know my mother, i bet u saw that coming! Trust me. I did NOT scroll up and change anything when I typed this. It's super scary la.

I'm so upset and pissed now. Haha. Utter change of mood from the start. I think I better go read Harry Potter again and calm myself down. For all I know, I may just get to go see Charlie later! depends on the final decision. For those who are really confused and cannot catch the story, i better give u a better example:

We decided to go for Sakae Sushi at Westmall. I changed. THen she changed her mind and I had to change out.

Sux rite? I noe. THere was once i even made it to the front door when she changed her mind. SO this stuff is seriously luck. IF she changes her mind later, we'll probably go. But if she dont, Im probably gonna be stuck here.

Right. Enough of crapping. Gotta go liaox. Buhbye and pray she lets me go huh? lolx.

TarTar

2005-07-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

Been long since I last blogged huh? All my loyal fan club all like really pissed le. I shall be nice and add in a new entry... lolx (so lame!!!)

ANiwaez.. the week has been 'fun' (come on, sabbaticals leh) but the weel after this will suck like hell. Im already halfway through revision but im still stuck at chemistry (I still dunno wad the hell is that mole thingy... and i have no time to slowly figure it out so...)

Hmm.. good studying tips that I have for my loyal fan club (haha.. made up of one person onli... lolx): Start EARLY.. I spent the whole sab wk doin' nth but reading prince of tennis and see! I cant finish revision. (haha... n i still have time to blog huh?) Actually I give up liao lah. I just realized that there is not onli 3 test nxt week but 5!!! Add in LA and Jap. THat makes five rite? (3+2=....) SHud be lah. SO... for those who still haven started studying, go and pray... for good luck... coz u need it. haha... (so evil)

Aniwaez, just to appeal to you guys. My friendster account is very... pathetic. THis blog too lah.. but at least I got Rachel (lolx). Add me as a fren n leave me a testimonial can? I very poor thing leh.. onli got 5 testimonial... *sobs* n they are all not very positive lorhz... haha.

Rite. good luck guys, for the tests!

Sayonara (influence from jap studying)

2005-07-23T03:55:00.000-07:00

The preliminary rounds just ended. . . we got into finals (woohoo!!!) together with ZhongZhen High (yay!), Hwa Chong (expected la) n many other weird schools (no offence, i just cant rmbr the names of the sch... really!!!)

Aniwaez, came home from the comp feeling totally drained out. COme on, listening to 21 schs reciting is not easy on the ears, eyes and... basically ur physical self la. But it was fun knowing new ppl! (my concentration on the comp was apparently minimum... laoshi, forgive me!! :X)

THe final's taking place on the 13th August at HCI (interested supporters from NYGH feel free to go... it starts at 2pm, I think, must confirm with tchrs). I suppose part of me is glad of the finals thingy but the other part is exhausted at the thought of the trng that will ensue... COme on... we train like dead hard for preliminaries only la, can u imagine the treatment to expect for finals? I bet i'm goin' to be treated like an ox soon... (made to pull carts n stuff)

Wadeva, everythin' can wait till sabbaticals are over... I dun care animore...Hey... now that I have reminded myself, it's time for Chem studying.. I've wasted the day in HCI (I FORGOT MY BOOK!!! sobs...) doin' nothing but laugh at the other teams... how can i???

*Hermione Granger Kwek* HOw can u waste ur time on the comp doin nth!!! Don't forget the three test on week 6! And the math test on week 7! HOw do u expect to pass if u are forever slacking!

Lolz... i'm getting split personality le... *im possessed*. Prob due to the team from dunno wad sch sayin about Justice Bao and complaining about the mother givin too much stress n stuff... im givin myself too much stress... sobs...

Ciaoz

TarTar

2005-07-22T17:05:00.000-07:00

[this week is week 4]

week 5 is sabbatical week... week 6 is test week... one moment in heaven, another moment in hell... wth... have to start mugging le.

I have the sudden urge to mug (probably due to writing the reflection on sabbaticals *which the bloody teacher lost!!!*) Haiz... forget it. THe teacher lost the damn reflection and then call me and blames me for not handing in... "Hand in by monday or u will get a 0!!!" wth...

I've four tests coming up on w6, chinese, CHem, Physics and... Math on w7 la (but there's so much formulae to remember!!! so must start now *acts Hermione Granger*) Aniwaez, I've decided to start on my chinese today! *motivated look in anime*

Haiz... tomorrow got competition. (dun ask me what comp, u'll laugh) NOt really very worried coz we sure get into finals one (ego). Really! How can they leave us out! we are like so pro la. lolz. ANiwaez, leave a good luck tag and if I receive 5 by tomorrow morning, i'm convinced i will get in (blackmail...) :X

Back to studies... was just flipping thru my file when I say my math quiz saying "6/10"... I nearly cried lorh! That's my worse la (rotten eggs and vege are coming my way huh...) but I'm really upset and that was my motivation to work harder (no more 6!!! full marks, im coming!!!)

Enough of that... ive gotta go and study le... *pushes up specs*, i just realized i cant even answer the simplest chem question. Took me 5 minutes to realize what the qn actually meant (come on! i cant even tell the dif btwn molecular mass and atomic mass... is there a dif in the first place?!)

Oh, I found a topic to talk 'bout le! We had PE today, and did serving for volleyball. I got a very lousy 'oh1 cheh1' on my thumb (sore thumb) which is throbbing badly (that's y im typing so slowly). Volley rox, provided i even get to touch the ball -- we played this lousy game at the start and it was like... i din even touch the ball lah. so funny, like keep rotating but dun touch the ball, very cartoon lahz...

Okay, enuf. Ive gotta go study, serious!!! At least finish chinese la... Kids out there, stop wasting ur time on my blog and go do something constructive (like studying)! Hey! U! Why are u still reading! GO AND STUDY!!!

P.S. Before I sign off, just wanna tell those hu still dunno, that I have just got myself a friendster account (a bit late lah but... still beta than nth) Must add me ahz!

TarTar

2005-07-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

yoz... the FoA concert ended with a huge 'bang' last night! Though i wasnt really very hyped (due to a horrible stomachache) but it sure was fun to see everyone kissing one another. :P

Aniwaez, those that saw my performance and went out laughing till you cried, thx for the response aniwae, coz i wasnt really expecting ppl to even respond... hahaz.

After the countless rehearsals (actually, there was only 2 larhz), we finally performed and it wasnt really as bad as i thought it to be. At least we got all the verse right (even though we had problems with our standings, abit pian1 tai2).

Special comments on CHinese society performance: Really, the music problem was not your fault. You guys did great (haha, i write coz i know they wun see this :P) Too bad I cant participate. It would be nice to act as a lu4 ren2 even.

Really liked the modern dance thingy (that fearlessly feminine) it was so cool!!! hahaz. Agree rite?

I'll see if wang jing can send me the pics we took in the dressing room (with makeup hor!!!) and i'll post it up if it really looks nice.

TarTar

2005-07-14T07:02:00.000-07:00

So rare to see myself still awake at this time [Note: It's 10.03pm in Singapore now...] Hahaz.. just finished the BSP ppt... really dun feel like seeing animore chinese words liaoz. it just irks me alot to see it dancing round.

Yay! Finally thursday liaoz. Tomorrow got school like no school liddat (u noe wad i mean rite?) Aniwaez, gtg and sleep liaoz. I cant take it animore. Good Nite ppl!

2005-07-11T04:46:00.000-07:00

Good news everyone! I'm stress free now!! (well... at least the worst is over :X)
I just had the horror of my life. Seriously, going thru this once is enuf. Realli. I mean it. So please, Mr Pierce (or Price), let me pass... I BEG YOU!!!

Right. After the past few days of intensive piano, im relieved its over and i truly swear nvr to touch the piano ever again (until... until i need to of course). Realli, if I fail again, im not going to retake. Heck man... retake so many times, later they think I despo how?

Enough of piano... But the examiner realli very cute leh. hahaz. must find a pix of him but... dun think can lah, later ppl hu like me go n assasinate him how? Haiz... bu4 yao4 hai4 ren2 la...

Really, enough of piano... but dun tok 'bout piano like nth to tok 'bout liaoz leh... haiz...

Just for laughs, i checked my horoscope today and the rating for my career / studies was one (out of five)... I was freaked out lah... how to take the test with the elements against me???

And then really la.. the day was quite sucky... i missed the SPA (n have to sacrifice one of my lunches within the nxt few days to do it) and had to listen to sum weird man talk about managing finance... hahaz... missed half the lunch break too! Haiz...

Nvm... had a strange dream yesterday nite (i cudnt slp coz of piano... STOP!!!) bout BSP camp wor! *yoohoo! Luo Han Yus out there, im missing you guys* Nth much lah, just that I ended up falling off the rooftop where we were playing water bombs... hahaz. woke up on the floor the next morning ON MY HAND (which was going to play the piano later...) Hahaz...

Rite, gtg go liaoz.

But I did so many tests today I wanna tell u guys but... just chose some:

Your Birthdate: May 7

Born on the 7th day of month gives you a tendency to be something of a perfectionist and makes you more individualistic in many ways.

Your mind is good at deep mental analysis and complicated reasoning.

You are very psychic and sensitive, and you should usually follow your hunches.

You may not take orders too well, so you may want to work alone or in a situation where you can be the boss.

This birthday gives a tendency to be somewhat self-centered and a little stubborn.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Hahaz.. just put this one la.

tartar

2005-07-08T05:17:00.000-07:00

Countdown: 3 days to Piano Exam...

Just came back from studio practice... feeling really tired and stressed out. Cant believe i m actually going to go through the terror i went thru less than one year ago again. Honestly, im freakin' scared. Hu wudnt be? I mean, imagine going thru the grill again, for the second time. You wudnt want to go thru the PSLE a second time rite?

Haiz... Apparently, i m psychotically rambling on and on again. My hands are practically trembling at the thought of the exam... kill muah!!!

Shant crap and waste your time.

B4 I sign off and go n die... let me show u sth that brightens up ur life! My cuzin! I was browsin' thru my pics when i found this really cute on of my cuz and her mom! long time ago pic but... still brings a smile to ur face dusnt it?

TarTar

2005-07-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

Nth much to talk 'bout today actually, just came to blog coz my mum dun allow me to play games... I'm addicted to Maple!!! Haiz... nvm, think on the bright side of life: at least I can blog!!! :X

Have to keep telling myself today that tomorrow will be better... so tiring. I said the same thing yesterday and obviously, nth happened la.

Really dun feel like talking 'bout yesterday but if i dun, wad's the pnt of blogging then...
I reached home yest like... 7.15pm? So late rite. THe tchr onli let me off at 7.10 n i feel so bad my dad had to wait for 30 mins for me... going to get CO poisoning soon liaoz la...

Aniwaez, just received new that we r lunching with Mr Chen Rui Xian nxt tuesday. HOnestly, im not really free on that day but too bad he's the big shot n we are not la.

What im going to show next is extremely disturbing and not for the weak heart... muah schedule. IT sux. Starting from tomorrow, it sux...

TOmorrow: rehearsal for story telling.... which cca starts at 4.30 n ends at 7 one! wt.... forget it... blame it on my luck.

THe day after tomorrow... dancing SHava (this is the good news) on stage (bad news) in front of the whole sch (even worse)... after that at 6 still got studio practice.

The day after the day after tomorrow: outing with luo han yus... seriously dunno whether wan to go anot coz i watch initial D liaoz n dun feel like wasting money... the tickets very ex u noe!

The day after... haiz... forget it. Monday: My horror and worst nightmare!!! The PIANO EXAM... Hello, im a psycho-moto-moron, hu has lousy hand eye coord... how to pass!!! Failed once... dun fail again... This idea apparently dun work on this exam coz i failed once n i tink im going to fail again...
NOT only that, that's not the end guys... life's never so kind to me. After the idiotic exam, i have to go back to sch to be some mc for some talk ive heard b4... n the good news is i have not gotten my script ready so... haha...

HOnestly, the horror does not end here but for the sake of the weak hearted, i shant continue. HOw about a brief summary? Next week, after monday, almost all the sia's ppt are due... meaning BSP, SS, Chem n Bio and to add on to the good news, im NOT PREPARED!!!

Right... shant whine too much. Really have to keep reminding myself that life sux... no... typo error... life rox... in some ways.... or another...

NOw for some inner reflections:
I'm scared... the exam is freaking me out. I shant be macho and say stuff like "this is chicken feet" coz it's not. It's ox's feet, cow's feet but never chicken's feet... This thing is worse than u can imagine.... For those hu nvr stepped into the exam hall b4, just imagine a horror flick where u walk into a dark room with a grand piano inside which suddenly plays by itself and then *lightning and thunder* a phantom appears on ur left asking u "wat piece are you playing?"

I know... too much piano getting into my brain... really gotta relax or i'll really flunk this thing.
GOsh... im really losing it. Nvm... at least our cme ppt's over :X

Wish me luck guys!

P.S. DId this really weird thing I found on the net:

You Are 18 Years Old

18

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Haha... 18? Im 15! but it falls in the same catergory so I suppose it's okay ba..

TarTar

2005-06-24T23:41:00.000-07:00

Back from BSP camp and got a shock of my life! No... the internet for my com is still not working but my parents actually got me a laptop!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!! this is the best day of my life man! Imagine coming home, feeling tired and hungry and then suddenly see this acer thingy in front of you... anyone would have thought it was a mirage...

Aniwaez... back to the camp. It was cool and i met many new ppl from both HCI and DH. THey were really nice ppl and in my group, luo han (as in luo han yu that luo han), was really savvy and there were so many siao ppl in my group that I always ended up in stitches!!!

THis camp... it's fun but totally filled with talks and lectures. 9 lectures in 4 days is quite a record isnt it?

I think I shall spare you guys the details. OVerall, we had fun, making fun of the gao gay and the teachers.

Greatest thanks to the following ppl for making the whole camp a fun one (dun mind me if I mixed up the names. I still dunno who is who):

307 ppl: THx man! The shava shava, nan zhong quan, mo li hua and that where is summer tingy rocks!!! Too bad we din win THEM!!! lolz...

luo han members--
HCI guys (hong shen, lin chen, zheng tao, jia xin, min zhe, da xian, hong wei, Arthur and Yicheng): Yo guys, thx for the immense laughter and fun you brought! And the joke too! Aiyah... honestly, dun carry the joke too far hor... u r lucky i m a nice person or i would have dismembered u all long ago! :P

DH ppl (YokeSan, Xiuli, Hazel, Peksuan, YuTIng, WeiKang): HAha... funny zi yue we did huh? Ultimat thanks to Weikang again for saving our faces from being totally torn off! lolz.

Gao Gay: Haha... I noe u wun read this so I gu yi write. For a 18 yr old, u r childish. For a 15 yr old, u r too... oldish... Ur white shirt with red tie suit on the wen yi wan hui really sux... dun wear it again, okay?

Right... thats about it. I'll wait for JO to gimme the pics then I'll upload them. FOr now... tartar

P.S. ZiYue is really a nice song!!!

2005-06-13T03:11:00.000-07:00

Finally back from Kuching. I went for a vacation to East Malaysia, Kuching for 5 days (9th till today). It was a really fun experience but I was dead beat when I came home. Actually the main objective of our trip was to attend Uncle Vincent's wedding, but we ended up doing loads more than just that.

We arrived at Kuching after a torturous 7 hours from Singapore (take bus to Senai airport then take plane to Kuching). We were warmly welcomed by Vincent and co. and was brought to Merdeka Palace, the hotel. It was an apartment with three rooms and it was HUGE and really nice for a 4 star hotel.

We spent the rest of the day in Uncle Toyota's house, eating and drinking loads of beer and red wine and champagne. And it was that day that I met the two... no, three people I was going to see most often for the next few days, Dion, Terry and Jaime (the bride).

The second day went past with us shopping at Parkson in the morning, Uncle Danny arriving in the afternoon. It was fun, considering the fact that we bought a whole load of stuff back (I actually got a denim skirt... my FIRST denim skirt that went above the knees!), including a pair of shoes that I love (though it's a bit tight around the ankles).

We went for a sauna in the afternoon (imagine three men: my dad, uncle vincent and uncle danny wrapped in towels in a steam room, complaining that the sauna was spoilt!) Then I met a little boy, I forgot his name, who was hyperactive and kept drooling.

THe third day was the wedding. We went to the church in the morning where the church ceremony was held. Uncle danny and my mom were laughing throughout the hymn hallelujah (check my spelling). The whole ceremony was cartoonish for uncle vincent kept making funny faces at us.

VIncent And Jamie (The Bride and Groom)

The afternoon was quite peaceful (I spent it with the gameboy while my parents slept). The bride and groom were the busy ppl who went arnd taking pictures. They look totally exhausted by evening and were totally trashed at the dinner. There was an auntie called Cecilia who was actually a Datin (wife of a datuk) who was really enthusiastic about the whole thing. She was basically running the whole show as she kept going around, toasting everybody.

Finally, the fourth day came, which was yesterday. we went to four tourist spots in Bao, a small outskirt of Kuching, the fu gui shan zhuang (a graveyard), the Fairy Cave, Wind Cave and a lake which was actually a gold mine. It was really cool and I used up the whole of my memory stick taking pictures. I had a really memorable experience at the fairy cave. It was the highight of the day's event.

The Graveyard

Wind Cave, part of it. Those are guys swimming NAKED!!! (jokin' la. how can put naked guys? Later they dun let me blog liaoz then how?)

P.S. Bao (in malay, it means smell) got its name coz in JO2, many ppl died there, then the smell of blood was so strong that they called it that name. Though, now it smells so much better.

We went to the fairy cave and gasped at the magnificent work of nature. I'll try my bestest to upload the pics but no garuntees. We then went up the cave, in pitch darkness (except for the light from Uncle vincent and dion's handphone). The place was beautiful but stinky (because of the bat's faeces. Even though we got ourselves all sweeaty and everything, we went to wash up at the nearby cafe before going to Uncle Toyota's brother (Uncle honda... haha)'s house to ... just sit around.

Fairy Cave! Dark, smelly but fun la. ALl the brown brown thing u see are bat faeces. *eww...* The blurry thingy is me la... lousy photographer.

One thing I must mention is the fighting cocks in his house. There was also this black dog that kept sniffing at my leg! *ahh!!!*

We went for dinner at the restaurant beside the lake (which used to be a gold mine. They say its haunted cause many died there when there was a flood). Nvm. The dinner was fine and there were loads of cats there (cats are called kuching in malay). We went back to the hotel room where we ate, drank and gambled till morning. REALLY! I did not sleep a wink until 5am but I was roughly awaken at 6am coz the stupid airplane, though taking off at 8.50am, needs us there at 7.30am. This sucks! (there was this guy called Branden who actually stayed with us to gamble till 5am too... and he has to work the next day... which is today!)

Hah... the lake. The girl on the left is DIon. She's camera shy so this is the onli pic i got of her. N then the guy on the right is of course my dad la!

Even till the minute I stepped into my house, things happen. We shared a cab with this girl called Betty, also from Singapore. We had a 20min ride to the woodlands taxi stand and she talked to us alot about her trip, which was equally interesting.

Overall, the whole trip rox(ed). Though we pretty much forgot our priority and acted so much like tourists, everyone was very friendly and warm. We were really overwhelmed at first but gradually, we became great friends.

Really ultra thanks to those who made this trip a great success, especially Dion and Terry, who actually acted as our driver throughout the trip! I was so grateful coz in Kuching, without a car, you are pretty much handicapped.

For those who are thinking of going to kuching, do go try their kolo mee ( dry noodles) which tastes okay. And the chilli from the little shop at bao. AND the pepper which we didn't get to try.

Me and Daddy ^-^ at Wind Cave

Right... that's all for now! I'm going to Genting with my couzins and friends the day after tomorrow.

Tartar!

2005-06-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

Just finished the ***king bio end product--- a book. Though it's only 15 pages, it is fully coloured and I tink i can scrape a pass for all of us.

I just feel like killing someone now. I spent such a long time in front of the computer trying to figure everything out for the sia and no one cares. Sometimes it just feels like you are working for someone when you are not. It's my work as much as the others. Sure, they did the research, but they sure didn't spend their time (from 10am in the morning till just now...) sitting in front of a stupid computer that just doesnt cooperate.

Fine... that feels so much better. I'm actually quite a lucky kid. I'm one of the rare few that actually gets to go abroad during the holidays! *Always look on the bright side of life*

Haiz... Despite all this, I still have the bio presentation, report, file; bsp sia to complete by school reopen, which is... not far from now!

Oh! Gotta go!

Tartar!

2005-06-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

Things have just ended. My recent performance ended with a bang (woo hoo!) and I sure am going to miss everything. Though it was a view from the back, looking at the back of everyone's brain was sure a memory of the lifetime. Besides, I bet we were the first bunch of ppl to perform right at the back of the stage!

Honestly, the performance went smoothly. And that Miss Zhou playing the zhong ruan was seriously... haiz... no words in my vocab can describe her. She's pretty, elegant, and... her fingers work like magic. Hello, she's the professional here.

Our performance went equally well. mianrong did well, so did our xue jie, du long. Both of them were the partners of the century. Who could say no! Even from the back, they look great.

It's a great regret its over. Everyone was (cliche) tired but happy. haha. Thx to everyone, Shi Shuang, Baona, Bowei, Cheryl, Heather, Liuyang, Vivian, Mianrong, Wangjing, Feiya, Dulong (xue jie), Linghao -_-, Samuel(chinese speaking indian! magnificent person) , Mdm Ho, Ms Yao (isit? CHI one... I forgot her name...), Nai Ma!!! and those who came to watch, Mingyi, Tingyi, Denyse, Xiaowen, etc. Sorry if i din mention you... I really din see you then.

Special thanks to the following ppl:
Mianrong jie: You did great! Really! Really appreciate knowing you. NO regrets at all! hope we remain friends forever. u rock!

Dulong xuejie: You were not bad (haha, joking. You were great) THough you were really sarcastic at times, you were one of the best guys I've seen. Thanks for being such a great friend! though...dun keep in touch. I'll still call you xue jie.

Nai ma: Yo! Thanks for running the backstage for us. It was really nice of you to relieve us of stress before the performance. Without you, we would be really tensed and everything would have gone wrong... Thanks a million.

Right... It was a great experience and I loved it. The music was great (in front of me) and Mr Tsung was really professional. I would LOVE to work with them again( that is... if they want to work with me) . LOVE all you guys!

Tartar!